LEWD & BAWDY JOKES

1DCLI Editorial Team wishes you a Happy Festive Season

1DCLI Editorial Team wishes you a Happy Festive Season

The Editor has identified a window of opportunity to record more expressive comment in the manner of jokes, limericks, rude verse and anecdotes. Those readers with a literary bent might find this new Lewd & Bawdy sub page an outlet for their energies, which will alleviate the space pressure on other blog pages and not worsen the loading time (if you are having problems!). As time passes, we’ll experiment with RSS, video and audio streaming for access at the click of your mouse (or equivalent thinggy).

BEWARE however, that some language and pictorials might offend. Proceed further at your risk.

My other support crew (from “S” Company), otherwise known as This Is The Training Squad, will assist after passing out from their initial personal coaching in weapons handling.

Stare at the picture right for 25 seconds. Some people say that if you concentrate you can make out what appears to be a speedboat in the background. (Mouseover or left click to enlarge picture).

Try out this sub page – we’ll test the response.

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56 Responses to LEWD & BAWDY JOKES

  1. Editor in Brisbane. says:

    Inner Peace.

    I’m passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished. So I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun prscriptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

    Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

  2. Editor in Brisbane. says:

    AUSSIE HUMOUR!

    A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

    Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, ‘Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news, and maybe some more good news’.

    ‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first?’ The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’

    The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.’

    He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. ‘Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that. So what’s the other possible good news? ‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

  3. Editor in Brisbane. says:

    The Booze Bus!

    Two indigenous Australians were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police “booze bus”. Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said ‘G’day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!’

    The copper glared at him and said ‘You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!’

    The driver said ‘Sorry boss, I can’t blow in that, I got a letter from the doctor saying I’m asthmatic and I’ll pass out if I blow in that.’

    The cop smirked and said ‘OK – in that case, We require you to give a blood sample.’

    ‘Nah, nah – sorry, boss,’ replied the driver. ‘Can’t be doin’ that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin’ I’m a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry, boss, can’t do that!’

    By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing. The driver shook his head and said ‘Sorry boss, can’t do that either.’

    The copper protested ‘Surely you haven’t got a letter for that?’

    ‘Bloody oath, mate!’ says the driver,’It’s from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia – she’s apologised, and says that you whitefellas can’t take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!

  4. Swanny Swanson says:

    OOOOHHH THE IRISH
    Paddy met Mick in the Street and Mick said: “Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future?”

    “Why?” Paddy asked. “Because” said Mick, “all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday”; Paddy replied “Silly Buggers!- the laughs on them, I wasn’t home yesterday”.

  5. BLONDE ROBOT

    The Boss was bragging about his new receptionist to the local stationery rep. Rep said how beautiful she was and the Boss replied that she is a robot. “Squeeze her left tit and she’ll take shorthand dictation, squeeze her right tit and she does all the typing. Pat her on the ass and she’ll bend her over the desk and make love all morning”.

    “Why not try her out?”

    So the Rep hauls the blonde robot off to the stationery room, where howls of pain and shouting immediately are heard.

    “Sorry I forgot to tell you mate, her mouth is a pencil sharpener”

  6. An Old Soldier checks into a Penzance hotel while at the Caribbean Re-Union on a business trip and was a bit lonely. Anyway he thought of one of those girls one sees advertised in phone booths when you call for a taxi. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

    She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her armpits – you know the kind!

    He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he thought, what the hell, give her a call. Hello?’ the woman says. (God, she sounded sexy!).

    ‘Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex.. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?’

    She says, ‘That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9’.

  7. THE VOODOO PENIS
    A Penzance businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ‘Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except…the Voodoo Penis!’

    The husband said ‘The what’? The man repeated ‘The Voodoo Penis’ and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, ‘It looks like a dildo!’ The man then pointed to the door and said, ‘Voodoo Penis, door!’

    The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said ‘Voodoo Penis, return to box!’ and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

    The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said ‘Voodoo Penis, my crotch.’ The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

    On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said ‘I haven’t had anything to drink officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me.’

    The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,’Yeah right, Voodoo Penis, my ass!’

    The rest, as they say, is history.

  8. Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

    His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

    One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. ‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.

    ‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?’ ‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.

    ‘Yes, I did.’ he replied. ‘My God, Bill, what happened?’ ‘I got fired.’

    ‘No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’ ‘Oh! she got fired too’.

  9. Swanny Swanson says:

    Pte Jones pulled up at the Guardroom in a white Rolls Royce and signed in and drove off. Watching this, the CO called the orderly Sgt and asked who was that Pte who was driving the car. The Sgt replied that was Pte Jones in 3 Plt and said he had never lost a bet. The Col said that’s impossible, the law of average says you can’t win all of the time, send him to my office.

    Pte Jones came to the office saluted and said you wanted to see me sir. Col asked him about not losing a bet, he replied nonsense man, on that Pte Jones said I will bet you sir 5£ that you will be ruptured by 7am tommorrow morning, saluted and went.

    The next morning Col woke up felt down his crotch and said I have beaten him this time. At 9am Pte Jones reported and the Col glowingly said I have won the bet this time. Pte Jones said I must have proof of the bet and asked if he could see the Col’s crotch area. True sir you have won the bet and gave him the five pounds. He then said to the Col how many soldiers on this camp, the Col answered 2000, well said Pte Jones I won my bet because I bet all the troops on this base 5 bob each that I would have you by the balls by 9am tomorrow morning.

  10. Jack Madron says:

    A little boy was very perplexed and his mother asked him what was wrong. He said, “I’m half black and half Jewish.” “What am I”? His mother said, “You are what you are.” “Why do you ask”? He replied, “A boy down the road has a bike for sale and I don’t know if I should haggle for it or just stab him and take it”.

  11. Bill Griffiths says:

    Not exactly a joke but it made me smile.

    An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa: ‘How do you like it here?’ asks the grandson.’

    It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa. ‘We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.

    ”Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,’ Abdullah says with a big smile. ‘There’s a musician here – he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!’

    There is a judge in here – he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honor’! ”There’s a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!’

    And me – I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me ‘The Fucking Arab’!

  12. limostwanted says:

    2 Old N/S DCLI mates meeting for the first time in 50 years (both well educated, but served as NCO’s – not Hossifers!). One remarks to t’other when questioned about his professional career. “Well I studied medicine at Uni and was a GP for many years, but my main complaint was that at parties I’d get asked by other guests to solve their many medical complaints. I’d say – meet me in my surgery”

    The other chep said “Yes, I know the problem, I too studied dentistry and the other day while in a restaurant with a group of friends, this woman came over and flashed open her mouth to demonstrate how well her cappings and crowns were holding up”

    I said to her “please make an appointment to see me in the Surgery and by the way I’m very pleased that I’m not your gynaecologist”

  13. Derek Lovemore, Editor says:

    Old men may walk slow BUT they think FAST

    An elderly farmer in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, ‘We’re not coming out until you leave!’

    The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.’ Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the crocodile.’

    Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

  14. Bill Griffiths says:

    Ed, your one about horse sense, spoken with a LISP. Which cruel prat decided to spell ‘Lisp’ with an ‘S’ in it?

  15. Bill Griffiths says:

    Or this one.
    An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, “What’s your problem, Soldier?” “Chronic syphilis, Sir.” “What treatment are you getting?” “Five minutes with the wire brush each day.” “What’s your ambition?” “To get back to the front, Sir.” “Good man,” said the Major. He went to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?” “Chronic piles, Sir.” “What treatment are you getting?” “Five minutes with the wire brush each day.” “What’s your ambition?” “To get back to the front, Sir.” “Good man,” barked the Major. He moved to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier ?” “Chronic gum disease, Sir” “What treatment are you getting?” “Five minutes with the wire brush each day.” “What’s your ambition?” “To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!”

  16. Bill Griffiths says:

    And, I quite like this one.
    A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other. There was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. “Could I please sit in that seat” he asked. The lady was insulted. “You Americans are so rude” she said, “can’t you see my dog is sitting there”? He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. “Lady, I love dogs – have a couple at home – so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down” he said. The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant” she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?” The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.” With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not, but I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”

  17. Bill Griffiths says:

    Gotta give you this one,

    Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre, kiss me!” Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?”, says the startled Marie. “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. “Pierre! What are you doing?’, asks the bewildered Marie. “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!” Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?” “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”

  18. Editor says:

    ATTENTION!

    A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. Sergeant-Major! the colonel shouted. Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave. Yessir, the Sgt. Major replied.

    A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave, the Colonel barked.

    A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. Sergeant-Major! Haven’t we given this man two compassionate home leaves? Yessir, the Sgt. Major replies. Then what’s his problem, Sgt. Major? the Colonel asks.

    The Sgt. Major salutes and says, Sir. It’s you he likes.

  19. Bill Griffiths says:

    Not Quite Rude, but so true.

    Five Surgeons are discussing which career category makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

    The second surgeon responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.”

    The third says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

    The fourth chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers – those guys always understand the situation where you have a few parts left over.”

    But, the fifth, a really bright young man, stopped them all cold when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine,
    and the head and the ass are interchangeable.”

  20. Editor says:

    Spoken with an Aussie accent

    Bloke enters a lavatory cubicle in a male cinema toilet and lowers the seat and proceeds to ablute – as one does. He hears the adjoining stall door lock and the seat lowered and hears the occupant attending to business – as one does.

    Then he hears the voice “How are you doing Mate?” So he politely answers “Just fine thanks”
    The voice then proceeds “How did you enjoy the movie?” So he answers “Not bad thanks”
    The voice then asks “How’s the missus and kids?” So he replies “Well thank you”

    Then the voice says “Hang on Fred, I’ll ring you back. Some dickhead in the next cubicle is answering all my questions”

  21. Bill Griffiths says:

    Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Dave, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “this isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter” Dave was stunned “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family. You’ve got to send me back straight away.”

    St Peter replied “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”

    “It’s not so bad” replies Dave, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.” “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.” “Never” replies Dave “Well just relax and let it happen”

    And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him. Ever!

    The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting.

    “Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you’ve sh*t the bed!”

  22. Bill Griffiths says:

    This bloke was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for its house.

    He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go down The Queen’s Head with me and have a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet.

    This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the pub for a drink?” But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting;

    “Hey in there! Would you like to go to The Queen’s Head and have a drink with me?” A little voice came out of the box – “I heard you the first time! I’m putting my f***ing shoes on!

  23. Jack Madron says:

    A US Cavalry man and an Indian scout were sent out from the fort to replenish the food stock with some buffalo meat. After some time in the saddle, the indian dismounted and put his ear to the ground. “Buffalo he come” said the indian. The trooper, looking around the vast expanse said.”How can you tell”. The indian said,”Ear sticky”.

  24. Jack Madron says:

    Why are women and tornadoes alike?
    They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

  25. Editor says:

    THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.

    Relayed from an old family friend on the phone from Melbourne.

    A little girl, industriously digging a HUGE hole in her back yard, engaged the curiosity of her older male neighbour. “Why such a big hole and what for Betty” he asked.

    “To bury my goldfish” was the reply. “That’s a great big BIG hole for such a tiny fish” remarked the neighbour. “Why so?”

    “Cos your fucking cat is on the outside of my fish!”

  26. Editor says:

    Relayed from Keith Scudamore, British LI webmaster.

    £100.00

    A little boy wanted £100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the £100.00. When the Royal Mail received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a £5.00 note.

    The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the £5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

    Dear God,

    Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Westminster, and those assholes deducted £95.00 in taxes.

    Jimmy

  27. Jack Madron says:

    A chap went to visit a mate in hospital. He asked his mate, how are things going. His mate replied, the treatment is great but I’m cheesed off with the food. It’s the same thing every meal Taties, Neeps and Haggis.

    The chap said, You are in a Burns unit, you know.

  28. Paul (Barney) Barnes says:

    Paddy decides he wants to emigrate to England, problem is he has a very thick and broad Irish brogue accent, he is advised to take some elocution lessons so that he can lose his Irish accent, as this will enable him to get on better in England and open up more avenues for him.

    So Paddy pays out £10,000 and goes on a 6 month elocution course, and learns to speak Proper English with no hint of an Irish Accent.

    On arrival in England Paddy goes to a pub for a quick pint or two. The barman says “Yes Sir what can I get you?” Paddy in his best new English Accent replies, “Good day Landlord, may I have a pint of your best bitter Please” The barman says “Certainly Sir, Whitbread?

    Paddy says “Yes please I’ll have 3 slices”!

    Barney

  29. Swanny Swanson says:

    Young bull and older bull looking over the hedge at all the young cows in the field. Young bull said to the old bull, come on let’s run down and shag a couple! old bull replied!! Lets walk down and shag the lot,

    Take note they were Cornish Bulls!

  30. Editor says:

    AMUSING QUIPS PICKED UP ALONG THE WAY TO THE FORUM!

    I’ve just been to my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but fuck me – pass the parcel was fast!

    I dunno what all the fuss is about this shark coming to Cornwall. It’s the first thing in ages that’s tried to get in this country that’s fucking white!

    Two Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that’s the best fuck I’ve ever had, I wonder how the girls got on?

  31. Editor says:

    JOKE RELAYED FROM JOHNNY GRIFFIN

    Two women friends meeting in Heaven, discussing the reasons for their arrival. One said “I froze to death. one minute I was warm, fuzzy and relaxed and then I woke up here” She asked the other “what happened to you”.

    The friend said “I had a massive heart attack”. My husband and I worked opposite shifts and I suspected that he was having an affair, so I came home early one day to search the house”

    “I raced into the lounge, then the kitchen then the garage. Raced upstairs to the main bedroom, then all the other bedrooms – nothing. I tried the basement, but after racing around all those stairs, I collapsed and died”

    The first woman said “Pity you didn’t look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive”

  32. Editor says:

    HORSE SENSE!

    Spoken with a lisp

    This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him and says, ‘there’s this dwarf with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I’ve sent him round to see you.’

    Sure enough the dwarf turns up. The owner asks him, ‘do you want a male horse or a female horse?’
    ‘A female horth’, the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. ‘Nith horth’, says the dwarf, ‘can I thee her eyth?’
    So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. ‘Nith eyth’, says the dwarf, ‘can I thee her teeth?’
    Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. ‘Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?’ the dwarf says.
    By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. ‘Nith eerth’ he says ‘now, can I see her twot?’

    With this the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse’s vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says, ‘Maybe I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound!’

  33. Editor says:

    THREE ROSES

    A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

    Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”

    The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.”

    “The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.”

    “And what about the third rose?” she asked.

    “That’s from the marine upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

  34. Editor says:

    Crusty Old Sergeant Major

    An old sergeant major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the sergeant major for conversation. “Excuse me, sergeant major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

    “The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.” “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

    The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”

    “1955, ma’am.”

    “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

    The sergeant major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

  35. Editor says:

    ‘ALLO ‘ALLO!

    A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window and asks the little man what’s wrong.

    “I’m yellow, I’m from Venus, I’m gay and I’m hungry,” sobs the little man. “Well,” says the trucker, “I can offer you a sandwich, but that’s as much as I can do.”

    So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A while later, he has to stop again because there’s a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently – asks the little man what the matter is.

    “I’m red, I’m from Mars, I’m gay and I’m thirsty,” the little man bawls. So the trucker says, “I can offer you a can of Coke, but that’s as much as I can do.” He hands a can of Coke down to the little man and drives off.

    A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, “Yes, you silly little blue poofter, what fucking planet are you from and what do you want?”

    The little man answers, “Your driver’s license, please .”

  36. Editor says:

    FAT ASSES!

    80% of all women canvassed in a recent poll admitted that they felt they had fat asses. 10% felt that their asses were OK.

    The remainder said that it didn’t matter – they loved him and would have married him anyway!

  37. Swanny Swanson says:

    All: Jethro Story. He and Penberthy went to Farmers Fair at Wadebridge. Advert comes up from an American Rodeo show, anyone who can ride the Bucking Bronco Bull for certain time and stay on its back for more than couple of minutes will get $5 and longer than 10 mins will get $100.

    Penberthy mounts up and beat all the other competitors winning the top prize of $250. When asked how he managed such a feat in broad Cornish Accent he said to Jethro – “Remember that winter my Mrs had WHOOPING COUGH?”

  38. Editor says:

    BELIEVABLY BLONDE

    In Penzance at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn’t! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

    About this time the big Army Sergeant who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him “How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!”

    At this the Sergeant said “Well Miss normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

  39. Editor says:

    POLITICIAN JOKE

    #1. Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly – and for the same reason.

    #2. Local MP was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.

    To the blonde he said “I am the local Member. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?”

    The blonde replied, “For you, as a politician, it will cost 500 Pounds.” To the redhead he asked the same question. She replied “I will spend all the time you want for 1,000 Pounds.”

    When he approached the brunette he asked the same question and she said, “If you can raise my skirt as high as you’ve raised my taxes, and can get your pants as low as my wages, and get that thing of yours as hard as times are now, and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won’t cost you a damn thing!”

  40. Editor says:

    BIN DERE!

    Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Plymouth. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Plymouth Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists – Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.

    The Devon public are advised to stay calm as absolutely NO ONE fitting the description of the fourth cell member – Bin Workin, is anywhere near the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.

    NEWSFLASH: The police have just surrounded a department store in the center of Plymouth. They’ve heard Bed Linen is on the second floor!

  41. Editor says:

    BLEK JOKE!

    A house at the end of the street in Penzance catches on fire. Soon it is fully engulfed in flames and it looks like there is no hope, when all of a sudden here comes a beat up old Bedford truck with a whole family of bleks crammed into it. Must have been 20 of them. Well, they come tearing through town, honking and waving and screaming for people to get out of the way, and they drive right straight into that burning house and stomp the whole damn fire out with their bare feet. The townspeople come crowding around them and congratulate them and thank them for saving the house, and as a token of their gratitude, they give the blek family $100. “What are you going to do with the money?” they asked. “Well,” says the father of the family, “First off we is gonna fix dem fuckin’ brakes!”

  42. Swanny Swanson says:

    Admiral says to Lt Cmdr, What do our lads normally do when they go ashore, reply, well sir they generally have a few drinks then find a whore house and have sex with one of the clients. Admiral says let’s you and I try that! Both went into town and found a whore house and the Admiral went paid his £5 and had sex with this prostitute! When he had finished he asks the prostitute how did he perform, she replied you were 3 knots? He said 3 knots?, she replied 3 knots, you were not into me, not hard and you’re not getting your money back!

  43. Editor says:

    FRENCH OFFICERS!!

    A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.”

    The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”

    The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

    “So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked.
    The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”

  44. Editor says:

    NEW VICAR

    The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.

    One of the old villagers came up to him and said. “Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?”

    The Vicar said, “Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking.”

    The villager said, “Arr, Vicar, that’s the way to fuck ’em!”

  45. Editor says:

    Mickey Mouse went to the divorce court and his lawyer told the judge, “Your honor, my client, Mickey Mouse, wants a divorce from Minnie Mouse on the grounds that she is insane.”

    Mickey started tugging on the lawyer’s coat and saying, “No, no, that’s not right.” The lawyer said, “But Mickey, didn’t you come into my office and tell me you wanted to divorce Minnie because she is insane?”

    Mickey said, “No, no. I said she was fucking goofy.”

  46. Editor says:

    IMPROVING SEX LIFE!

    A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts.”

    “Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s ‘love canal’. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

    “Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his ‘love pole’. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

    The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.”

    The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.”

    “Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios.”

  47. Swanny Swanson says:

    Man went into pub in PZ, his mate said “were e going”, he said “pictures”, mate said “what going to see”, he replied “MOBY DICK”, his mate said “I don’t like SEX FILMS”, his mate said “it isn’t a sex film it’s about Whales”, his mate said “I hate they Welsh twats as well”

    Jan went for a pee on way home. In came a bloody great chap about 8ft tall Jan looked up and said your a Yank, man looked down and said how do you know that, Jan said I’ll tellee something else, you’ve been circumcised, angry Yank said angrily how do you know that, Jan in reply said I’ll tellee who done that circumcision, Yank said OK smartass how do you know that, Jan in reply said Dr Johnston of New York. Gosh said the Yank you’re some clever how did you know that? Jan, in reply he always cuts them that way – your’e pissing all over my shoe!!!

  48. Swanny Swanson says:

    Brenda went to the Zoo with her friend. She saw a sign over the kangaroo’s cage which said “A Native of Australia”. And to think my sister went and married one of those things” she said.

    How many Kerrymen does it take to launch a ship? a thousand and one. One to hold the bottle of champagne, and a thousand to bang the ship against it.

    How do you recognise a bath made in Kerry?
    It’s got taps at each end to keep the water level.

    What do you call a Kerryman who keeps bouncing his head off the wall?
    Rick O’Shea.

  49. Editor says:

    A CLEAN BUT STUPID BLONDE JOKE

    One day two blondes each bought a pig. The problem they were having was telling the two pigs apart. So, the first blonde had an idea: She said, “I’ll cut my pig’s tail off, then we will know the difference.” So she cut her pig’s tail off.

    That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig’s tail off. The next morning the first blonde had a solution, she said,”I’ll just cut my pig’s right back leg off.” So, she did.

    That night same thing; the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig’s right back leg off. The next morning both blondes were real upset and finally decided to cut the back left leg from the pig, so they did.

    That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig’s back left leg off. The next morning the blondes were really upset and didn’t know how they were going to tell their pigs apart. So, one of them stated, “I will cut my pig’s right front leg off. Then we can tell our pigs apart.” So, she did.

    That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig’s right front leg off. The blondes were really upset and decided the only logical explanation would be to cut the remaining leg off one pig. So, they did.

    That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig’s only leg off. The next morning when the blondes awoke they were devastated. Finally, the other blonde spoke up and said, “How about you take the white one and I’ll take the black one.”

  50. Swanny Swanson says:

    Cornishman lorry driver went to Wales to work, got digs etc and after work went into the local pub for a drink, to his surprise all the locals all spoke in Welsh and completely ignored Jan!! When he went to work next day he told this other English driver of all the Welsh people in the pub completely ignored him. The other driver said when you go to the pub again say to the locals YAK E DA BOYO.

    What a difference everyone was very friendly and he had a good time. On leaving the pub later on going to his digs, he spotted this big lorry with two feet poking out from under the lorry, Jan bent down and shouted YAKEDA, YAKEDA and a voice shouted out WHY DON’T YOU FUCK OFF YOU WELSH TWAT.

  51. Brig Allie Gator says:

    Ah’se ritten dis n Engrish – so’s yu whities ll unnerstan!

    Indian Toilet Paper

    An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like No Name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

    “White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper,” says the Indian. “How much is it?”
    “$1.00 a roll,” the clerk replies.

    “That seems pretty expensive,” responds the Indian. “What about the others?”
    “Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and No Name is 50 cents a roll.”

    The Indian doesn’t have much money, so he opts for the No Name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post. “I have a name for the No Name toilet paper,” he announces to the clerk. “We shall call it John Wayne.”

    “Why?” asks the confused clerk.

    “Cause it’s rough and it’s tough and it don’t take no crap off an Indian.”

  52. Cpl. Ted ('Mo' 'Jesus' Bear), Khartoum Sudan says:

    MUSLIM JOKE OVERHEARD WHILE ON BURKHA PATROL

    A “modern” Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks “We realise it’s tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.”

    “Absolutely not” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.”
    “So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?” says the man.
    “No” answered the Mullah, “It’s forbidden in Islam“.
    “Well, okay” says the man, “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
    “Of course!” replies the Mullah, “Allah ho Akber! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!”
    “What about different positions?” asks the man. “Allah ho Akber! No problem” says the Mullah.
    “Woman on top?” the man asks. “Sure” says the Mullah. “Allah ho Akber. Go for it!”
    “Doggy style?” “Sure! Allah ho Akber!” “On the kitchen table?” “Yes, yes! Allah ho Akber!”
    “Can we I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”
    “You may indeed. Allah ho Akber!”

    “Can we do it standing up?” “No” says the Mullah.
    “Why not?” asks the man.
    Mullah “Because that could lead to dancing”.

  53. Editor says:

    POLICEMAN JOKE

    For the Manchester Crime Reporter

    A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motorcycles still parked out front. The policeman goes round the back of the pub to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other. “So what’s going on here?” he asks. The biker replies, “My mate here has had too much to drink and I’m trying to make him vomit.” The cop says, “I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT.” The biker replies, “That’s what I’m going to do next!”

  54. Editor says:

    AN AUSSIE LIMERICK

    A randy marsupial named Reeves
    Spent some time with the whores ‘tween their knees
    When they’d asked him for money
    He’d say “Listen honey
    A koala eats bushes and leaves.”

  55. Editor says:

    BAWDY JOKE

    As a young lad, Bob was caught reading a girlie magazine by his mother. He explains that he is interested in girls and wanted to know more about their private parts. His mother, quite shocked by this, warns him to stay away from girl’s private parts, as they have nasty sharp teeth in them. This seems to do the trick throughout his youth, but unfortunately he still believes this even into his adulthood.

    Anyway, one day (somehow) he gets married and even on his wedding night, he won’t go near his wife. She asks him why?

    “Because I know about the teeth you have down there”, he replies.

    “Heh!”, says his wife, “I don’t have any teeth down there, where did you get that idea from?”

    “You can’t kid me”, says Bob, “My mum told me about them.” So, in desperation, his wife takes her clothes off and lies on the bed with her legs wide open for him to have a good look. “LOOK!”, she says, “NO TEETH!”

    “I’m not surprised”, replies Bob, “not with gums like that!”.

    PS: The Ballad of Eskimo Nell Hotlinked to an external site!

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